I use a sword to cut my sandwich meat

**These are my thoughts and bits of revelation. Be nice. Don't get offended please.

Today I wandered into half-price books simply to find a few good reads because all my current books are lodged somewhere in the back of my storage unit with no hopes of being found and put to use. I was looking through the Christian living section and awkwardly found myself in the dating/marriage/sex section and skimmed all the titles. I saw everything from "How to be the woman of his dreams" to "Sex and the Christian Woman". As I sifted through the more relatable books for my season of singleness, I saw that there were quite a few self-help books for how to be a godly woman. I did not see ONE book on how to be a godly man...but that is not what this blog is about.

Anyway, I picked one up and peered through the pages and to me it looked like every other book that was out there on how to be a woman of God: Be this, do that, make a sandwich, love his family, respect him, give him sex...blah blah blah.
I am not knocking that those are all amazing character qualities of a woman, but Its all been said. It's all been done. I have heard these carbon copies of Josh Harris books blasted at me for years. Isn't there anything out there for the girl that is 4 years past her marriage due date, but is technically not supposed be thinking about sex while single so I am not "allowed" to read all those really mature marriage books?
I mean come on!
On top of that, and I am going to be honest here, all that sounds incredibly boring and mundane.
Is there more to marriage then just cleaning and diapers the rest of my life?
Sometimes I really wonder why God made me a woman. I mean really.
It seems like all the books, all the passages of scripture paint us as weak, sandwich and baby making machines who somehow manage to do all this in a hot, sticky skirt to our ankles with masses of hair that get stuck in our teeth because we can't put it back in a braid because God forbid I might be seen as a whore.

I know God gave me certain desires to nurture and take care of a house and family, but Im not going to lie, everything in me is not that weak, stand in the background girl.
Did any of the women of Bible times feel the same way I do? Were any of them HUMAN???
I remember growing up seeing women trying to fit into a mold. Doing everything from the outside and living under the bondage of legalism and now they are all throwing it out the door. They have had enough. So something isn't working. Something has got to change, because it's not coming from the heart.  Its not from love.
Im going to throw something out there that people may or may not like and I am open to thoughts about it but keep in mind this is my blog and my revelation and thoughts, if you don't like it, don't read it. Simple as that.

So when Adam and Eve were in the garden, and the serpent came, he came to Eve, why? Why did he come to her and not to Adam? Because they were both right there together. If it had been a big beefy piece of  steak, would Adam have gone in first? I don't really have that answer, and I wish I did, but I don't. I think she thought God was holding out on her. That he wasn't giving her everything she needed , that he wasn't being the best provider. Anyway you know how the story goes. The part that I really want to talk about is her curse. The curse is exemplified differently for a woman than it is a man. I will be addressing what is related to woman.
"To the woman he said, "I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for (against, to devour, to rebel.) your husband, and he shall rule (master, lord) over you." Genesis 3:16 ESV
Her curse is different than the man's. She wants his place, she wants to be "da man", but he will have to be her master. When put into godly, and loving perspective, a man's leadership is a healthy an awesome thing, but it is not our first desire. Ha! Great....

So there is this war in the heart of every woman with our flesh to be the man, but how much of that is the curse and how much of it is part of God's leadership, warring spirit, or strength?
Because I know I wasn't meant to cut my sandwich with a butter knife but a sword.
I know I was made a warrior. I don't want to be just a Proverbs 31 woman, I want to be a DEBORAH!
Who when there was no man to judge Israel, she did. Who when Barak was about to pee in his pants reminded him of what God had already told him to do. Barak wouldn't go into battle without her! A woman! He wanted a woman by his side! I don't see this in the Proverbs 31 creed!
I was made to do battle and pray till I bleed. How do I not be tough? How do I be graceful and strong?

Im still trying to answer these questions for myself and I now not all my ideas our exactly kosher, but I know I am not alone. I can't be.