I use a sword to cut my sandwich meat

**These are my thoughts and bits of revelation. Be nice. Don't get offended please.

Today I wandered into half-price books simply to find a few good reads because all my current books are lodged somewhere in the back of my storage unit with no hopes of being found and put to use. I was looking through the Christian living section and awkwardly found myself in the dating/marriage/sex section and skimmed all the titles. I saw everything from "How to be the woman of his dreams" to "Sex and the Christian Woman". As I sifted through the more relatable books for my season of singleness, I saw that there were quite a few self-help books for how to be a godly woman. I did not see ONE book on how to be a godly man...but that is not what this blog is about.

Anyway, I picked one up and peered through the pages and to me it looked like every other book that was out there on how to be a woman of God: Be this, do that, make a sandwich, love his family, respect him, give him sex...blah blah blah.
I am not knocking that those are all amazing character qualities of a woman, but Its all been said. It's all been done. I have heard these carbon copies of Josh Harris books blasted at me for years. Isn't there anything out there for the girl that is 4 years past her marriage due date, but is technically not supposed be thinking about sex while single so I am not "allowed" to read all those really mature marriage books?
I mean come on!
On top of that, and I am going to be honest here, all that sounds incredibly boring and mundane.
Is there more to marriage then just cleaning and diapers the rest of my life?
Sometimes I really wonder why God made me a woman. I mean really.
It seems like all the books, all the passages of scripture paint us as weak, sandwich and baby making machines who somehow manage to do all this in a hot, sticky skirt to our ankles with masses of hair that get stuck in our teeth because we can't put it back in a braid because God forbid I might be seen as a whore.

I know God gave me certain desires to nurture and take care of a house and family, but Im not going to lie, everything in me is not that weak, stand in the background girl.
Did any of the women of Bible times feel the same way I do? Were any of them HUMAN???
I remember growing up seeing women trying to fit into a mold. Doing everything from the outside and living under the bondage of legalism and now they are all throwing it out the door. They have had enough. So something isn't working. Something has got to change, because it's not coming from the heart.  Its not from love.
Im going to throw something out there that people may or may not like and I am open to thoughts about it but keep in mind this is my blog and my revelation and thoughts, if you don't like it, don't read it. Simple as that.

So when Adam and Eve were in the garden, and the serpent came, he came to Eve, why? Why did he come to her and not to Adam? Because they were both right there together. If it had been a big beefy piece of  steak, would Adam have gone in first? I don't really have that answer, and I wish I did, but I don't. I think she thought God was holding out on her. That he wasn't giving her everything she needed , that he wasn't being the best provider. Anyway you know how the story goes. The part that I really want to talk about is her curse. The curse is exemplified differently for a woman than it is a man. I will be addressing what is related to woman.
"To the woman he said, "I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for (against, to devour, to rebel.) your husband, and he shall rule (master, lord) over you." Genesis 3:16 ESV
Her curse is different than the man's. She wants his place, she wants to be "da man", but he will have to be her master. When put into godly, and loving perspective, a man's leadership is a healthy an awesome thing, but it is not our first desire. Ha! Great....

So there is this war in the heart of every woman with our flesh to be the man, but how much of that is the curse and how much of it is part of God's leadership, warring spirit, or strength?
Because I know I wasn't meant to cut my sandwich with a butter knife but a sword.
I know I was made a warrior. I don't want to be just a Proverbs 31 woman, I want to be a DEBORAH!
Who when there was no man to judge Israel, she did. Who when Barak was about to pee in his pants reminded him of what God had already told him to do. Barak wouldn't go into battle without her! A woman! He wanted a woman by his side! I don't see this in the Proverbs 31 creed!
I was made to do battle and pray till I bleed. How do I not be tough? How do I be graceful and strong?

Im still trying to answer these questions for myself and I now not all my ideas our exactly kosher, but I know I am not alone. I can't be.

You Break Me to Re-Create Me

You break me to recreate me. Twisting, grinding, snapping, tearing. I feel it in my bones the very sensation of your healing hands moving myself out of the way. In and out and through my fibers and tissue. I let you, I beg to come into my death and breathe life into the very ashes of my soul. This shallow life longs to have weight, a purpose, a destination, a destiny. Define me. Shape me. Rip me in two. Come, do what you have to do. Break me to recreate me. I will not stand in the way. Free me. Release me. Let me soar. I beg you come into my life and breathe a new rhythm. Let my heart beat to a new drum, a new sound, a new roar. He is on the move in me.

Quote

"We will not build on the sand, but on the bedrock of the sayings of Christ, and the gates and minions of hell shall not prevail against us. Should such men as we fear? Before the whole world, yes, before the sleepless, lukewarm, faithless namby-pamby Christian world, we will dare to trust our God, we will venture our all for Him, we will live and we will die for Him,  and we will His joy unspeakable singing aloud in our hearts. We will a thousand times sooner die only trusting in our God than live trusting in man. And when we come into this position the battle is already won, and the end of the glorious campaign in sight. We will have the real Holiness of God, not the sticky stuff of talk and dainty words and pretty thoughts; we will have a masculine Holiness, one of daring faith and works of Jesus Christ.

 -C.T. Studd

"Ode" -Arthur O'Saughnessy

WE are the music-makers,
And we are the dreamers of dreams,
Wandering by lone sea-breakers,
And sitting by desolate streams;
World-losers and world-forsakers,	5
On whom the pale moon gleams:
Yet we are the movers and shakers
Of the world for ever, it seems.
With wonderful deathless ditties
We build up the world's great cities,	10
And out of a fabulous story
We fashion an empire's glory:
One man with a dream, at pleasure,
Shall go forth and conquer a crown;
And three with a new song's measure	15
Can trample an empire down.
We, in the ages lying
In the buried past of the earth,
Built Nineveh with our sighing,
And Babel itself with our mirth;	20
And o'erthrew them with prophesying
To the old of the new world's worth;
For each age is a dream that is dying,
Or one that is coming to birth.

Be on your guard, there are more fowler things then orks in the deep places.

So this week was quite interesting. My heart has just been devastated with being here. I am in such a new environment. Every aspect of me is being challenged to pursue excellence. I feel like I am kinda having withdrawals. Im so used to my life being the same thing over and over and over and over again. Now, none of what i do is the same.

I have realized this past week how much of my life is given over to the idol of food. When im sad, I eat. When I am happy, I eat. When I am any other emotion I eat!! I do not take these feelings to the Lord. How sad is that? Here I am on my knees crying out to Him for change and I don't even allow Him to the opportunity to know every part of me. The good, sad, and evil.

Sometimes, I feel as though I live in a day dream. I want to be on an epic adventure like Lord of the Rings or Narnia. I can at times feel a sword in my hand. I think I forget that those things are a carbon copy of the reality we actually live in. We are in a time of war, and the weapons are not physical. We fight on our knees. We fight with our worship. I am a warrior of worship! I realize some people may think I am unwise for not pursuing something of more "value" such as school or a better career, but would that profit me in the end? Nothing. I will have wasted my life pursuing myself instead of thinking of eternity. We have maybe 70 years to pour out and store up as much as we can in heaven until we pass. That's all the time we get and it determines our forever.

If I just understood my role. If i just knew with confidence who I truly was, everything would change. How much more effective would I be if I knew how the Lord saw me in His kingdom? I need to seek the Lord out on this. I don't think I believe how He sees me. I see myself as worthless, not good for anything, and a screw up. I reek with false humility. When will my day come? I just want to see Him. To really know who I am and what He was thinking when He made me.

I need to let the Lord make me new. I have been resisting change. Resisting His attempt to make me a new person. I am comfortable. I don't want to change. I know I need it though. Im just going along knowing I need to change but am not doing anything to make it happen. Gah! Flesh!

*My prayers for this week are continued healing for my foot. It is doing better but is not fully healed.
*A satisfied heart fully in Jesus.
*Peace.

Thank you all. More to come.:)

Diminishing

As always, this week has been so incredible. I can't describe in words what I am feeling. I have been from the bottom, to the top and every where in between this week.
It started off slightly discouraging. I found out my toe is broken and tomorrow I will go find out from the specialist what exactly is up with it. I cried at the doctors office about it. I am literally dancing 20+ hours a week and I have no time for a broken foot. But I kept going and said I wasn't going to let this get me down. God has brought me too far and done too much to let my heart despair now. The enemy can't have me and I will crush him by the authority given to me. Amen!:) So Im taping it pretty good and doing the best I can.

The Dance Revolution staff came in this weekend and we have had rehearsal every day. We learned parts of the production "Red" which the story of the prodigal son but with Wizard of Oz characters!!! You can't imagine how much of confirmation I received just from that. Today we got to see the entire production without all the fancy stuff added to it yet and wow! It already has so much anointing and power behind it!
The staff themselves have such a wonderful heart and their passion and excellence goes without words. I am so thankful to have the opportunity to learn from them. I want to be just like them and being around them these past few days has made me realize I have to do this the rest of my life. I have to be dancing for the Lord all my days. No job, money, house, family or material thing can sway me from this calling. It is what I was made to do. Now that I know this, I can run after it with full assurance that My God is going to provide all my needs.

The change in my heart this past week I can feel deepening. My love for the Lord has just been getting hotter. I see myself diminishing more and more every day and Him taking his true place. My anointing, passion, gifts, and talents are finally fusing together. I can't wait for all of my friends and family to see the fruit of this. They are going to be blown away:)

One of the things I have been struggling a lot with this week is a huge feeling of inadequacy.
Everyone in this program is so good technically and spiritually that I feel I am nothing. Also, I have been in such a place of leadership and out in front so long, i don't know how to function as a follower and in the back of everything. I know its good for me because it's definitely forcing me to check where my motives are in my dancing. Not going to lie its hard. I am excited to see God break this in me.

My prayer for this year is to obey Him in everything and look even more like Him after it all. ( check out this song by Lecrae:) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IiDOyQCCpKs )

Love you all and thank you so much for your prayers.:)
-Linia

First Week

So I said I would keep ya'll updated as best as I could on how life was going for me...and here is the first post.:)

Saturday I moved my life again to a new spot. I spent most of the weekend trying to put my room together the way I wanted it. My canopy and I had real trouble....but whatever;)
My beautiful guitar that all the cornerstoners signed for me is in its spot for all to see and is a constant encouragement to me.:)
Sunday morning we all went to Gateway (for me it was the first time) and it was such a solid place. The teaching was so convicting. -->check out "A tough day"-->http://gatewaypeople.com/sermons
I have a feeling I am really going to grow there. Still the weekend was pretty tough on my heart.
I have been having issues with my work schedule due to some human confusion error (and most likely puny attacks from the enemy) and it set a deep sense of fear and failure in my heart this week. Thankfully my work is going to help me out so that I can get out at a decent hour and be home by curfew.

Physically this week has been tough. We have class every day 9-1 and sometimes 2. My body has been in so much pain this week and I have had barely any time to rest due to the fact that I work tues-fri as soon as I finish with class. I hurt my back again so I have been really discouraged with my movement. >>>>So if you have time to pray for that, I would be most grateful!

Wednesday was a very interesting day for me. I had my first hip-hop class with Ryan Warren and he is a beast!!! I really hope to get better at it. It left me really frustrated with my ballet body:P Afterwards though we had an incredible time of worship together. All like minded people worshiping together was so powerful!! I know my Jesus is going to take me deep deep this year.
**(On a cool note I did wait on "The Jet" for the dallas mavericks on Wednesday!!)

I think a HUGE prayer request would be that I choose to listen to truth instead of letting myself go to my emotions for comfort. I have been dealing with intense feelings of loneliness and just feeling like Im not really striving for the best that I could become. I want to wake up the fact that i even EXIST that there is a purpose for ME. As I was praying tonight driving home I was pondering this with the Lord. There are so many people out there that He did create for on purpose so why aren't they? I feel like He said that He has made all of us with intentionality and purpose but we don't all CHOOSE Him. We choose ourselves instead. This breaks my heart. So few have stood firm. So few of my friends still know the truth. So few I once knew who had burning hearts ablaze for Him. They have grown cold, blind, and deaf. I weep for these. And ANGER burns deep in me against a defeated enemy they have let rule their lives. What would it take to wake them up??????? My heart grieves at the thought of not one day being with them in eternity. Never getting to be fully alive with them. I must do something. I HAVE to do something.

Jesus is going to do amazing things this year. I am going to be challenged beyond what I can see.
This year I will finally go from good to great.

I want to end this blog with a quote form Martin Luther:

"Faith is a living, daring confidence in God's grace, so sure and certain that a man could stake his life on it a thousand times."

Goodnight.