For I am a mystery. I am a locked room in a tall tower. Come rescue me

On dandelions and such

Today change rather caught up to me. For the past few years, things have been known. Things have been easy. I've known my path and what I was to do., but now on the eve of leaving TCC I find my self at a loss  as to what the next step is. How do you choose destiny? or does destiny choose you? The war on my heart and destiny is great and I don't want to be taken out. I want every choice, moment and action be glorifying and matter in the light of eternity. To hear those amazing words of affirmation "Well done, my good and faithful servant." With this idea, so much more should be done! This is such a huge weight and burden on my heart. With this idea, everything else is meaningless.
I was thinking about how dandelions would be the perfect mascot of change.
They are something pretty, and everywhere. They are born from death. When they die, they release life which is then carried by the wind to new places. Whether it be earth, tree, or rock. Change it would seem is the same way. It blossoms and for a while it is a lovely and beautiful thing to behold. As it dies and fizzles out of season, it turns into seeds. So those seeds can choose perhaps to release themselves when the wind blows and be taken to some other great place to take root and do it all over again, or it can die with the host and never go anywhere. In a way, if it chooses the path of the wind, it never really dies but reproduces change in multiple places. Kinda cool. I can either let myself stay where I am at, or go and be taken where the wind wishes and have life abundantly again. I don't know. Just something I was thinking about today.

I got to get out of here. What am I doing? walking dead? Just going because I don't want to be left behind? I feel sick. I need to breathe.

Do I really have what it takes? To risk it all and do what needs to be done to pursue my calling? I am so scared dead. Scared of being alone in it all. Is it really an option? To fear? Or is it just something that has to be done?

Make my feel alive...

If walls could talk, they would say I want you more. They would say hey, never felt like this before and you will always be the one for me.:) I love you Celin:)

Fully Alive

It is that day. The day my heart has so longed for. The day I am complete. 

The world has passed away. Love has triumphed. Evil is vanquished in sovereignty.

Planets and stars swirl, colliding until they form one brilliant light that suddenly I am enveloped in.

A flash surges and for a moment I am blinded. 

When my eyes clear in an instant, I am standing in the most breath taking place. 

Marvelous mountains surround me bursting with color and life. 

My bare feet caress warm earth and vibrant grasses between my toes. 

The mountains go on forever and I am in the middle of a dazzling field. 

I look at myself and find that i am glowing. 

Not from the sun or some stray star, but from the fire that burns within me.

Clothed in the purest white that comes not from color,

but from light and there are flower cut outs in my dress. 

Joy defines my face. 

Suddenly I am romanced. 

The music begins to play. 

A swarm of butterflies rush through and by me increasing my joy. 

The wind they leave behind dances all around me. 

I begin to chase after them. 

I am lighter then air for I have no burdens to bear. 

As I run I begin to twirl and spin letting the wind touch my skin and blow through my hair. 

I know that I am free. 

Suddenly, I see my beloved. 

He is here! 

I loose my breath at the sight of Him. 

At His nearness. I have been waiting a life time for this moment. 

This moment when all walls and obstacles I had faced were no longer remembered. 

This is the moment when I see His face.

His eyes catch mine and the light that dwells there is quickly blazing in mine. 

He comes close and puts a flower in my hair and at last those words are spoken, 

"You are beautiful. 

You are mine beloved and I love you with an everlasting love that spans from before time to eternity.

We shall never be parted." 

He takes my hand and we walk to still stream where we drink deeply and are refreshed.

As we walk on, we come to a clearing. 

One by one more people begin to appear and 

suddenly I realized that all who had walked with me during my days were there! 

Alas my heart leapt again! 

Not only was I to spend eternity with my Beloved, 

but all those who belonged in my heart and had been through the fire with me.

They had passed the test. 

They had been faithful. 

Sadly, faces I remembered from my days were not here. 

They had not passed the test. 

They had fallen away and my heart wept deeply for them for I would be parted from them forever. 

Then my Beloved comforted me and told me not to despair for all that could be done had been done. 

We walked together to greet the others and began to dance. 

For a great celebration began like none other and never ended. 

I was finally whole. 

I was finally complete.

I was finally free. 

This is my heart fully alive. 

I 'm not ready for this...

Our time is running out...

The club can't even handle me right now. I see you watching me I go all out:)

Sorrow drips into you heart through a pin hole. Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound.

...

Saw that look again today. Haven't seen it in quite a while. My heart shook. Never want to see it again...

On gravity

      

 I was thinking tonight on the song "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles, and it kinda cuts me deep. I started thinking about all the things whether people, places, situations or choices that I am freely bound to. "Kept without touch or chains". Im not bound physically by chains, Im not bound emotionally by touch. Im just bound. Choosing to stay put and in place and never to escape. How many other things could I be doing if I was bound to these things? This twisted addiction leaves me breathless, pale, sedated. Treading lonely. All these stupid things latching on to me like leaches expecting me to give them life as they take it from me. I need to be me...not sucked into someone else's gravity or lifestyle. Not dependent on someone else's personality to be strong. What would it take to truly break away from society "gravity" and be honest with who I really am. Every part of me. 

        I think its time to "try defying gravity". ;) "Though accepting limits because someone says they are so. Some things I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know." 

Its probably the greatest risk we will every take: to allow Christ to be fully Himself by us being fully ourselves. 

        How scary is this? We are such a flawed people. I know I am. I can't do anything right. I can't spell or punctuate well. I can't dance right, point my toes or turn out. I can't keep my food down without wanting to throw it up. I can't think pure thoughts. I am selfish. I care only about me. I don't see my family enough. I don't serve enough. I seek my own glory. When will it stop? When will it end? When will I see the hopelessness defer? It makes my heart sick. This bride says come Jesus. My heart and soul longs to be complete. The longing rages in me to be whole that only You can fill. Come Jesus. I need to be in Your gravity...

Jar of Hearts

LOVE this choreography. so powerful

Falling Slowly...

Take this sinking boat and point it home we've still have time...I just love this so so much...

Stationary

All around me life is passing me by reminding me again of the stationary life I have drunkenly chosen.

I want to be free!

I want to be free!

Did I choose this? 

Subtly over time become anchored to normalcy? 

When did I become blind? 

When did I loose sight?

Its like a disease lying dormant, never knowing its there but all the time draining life out of you.

I want to be free!

I want to be free!

Now Im stage four walking dead.

Stuck in the mire, trying to move forward but its weight pains every step.

Never knowing when I will fall but all the time stumbling.

The mire defines me, caked to every inch of skin.

I want to be free!

I want to be free!

All around me...

I want to run away to Alaska and live in the mountains.

"When you walk away, I count the steps that you take..."

Revealing

Glow

I was thinking today as i was driving home from work, how long it had been since I had last seen the sun. The past few days have been interesting. Full of laziness and disappointments with a few scary moments of my car fish tailing and watching idiots try to drive on the roads. Its funny how the sun can completely cheer you up in an instant. Over the past few years, influences have said to me they love the rain more then sunlight, now I have been so very puzzled by this for many years! I tried to love it more. I tried to understand. Now don't get me wrong, there is something quite sobering and deep that happens when it rains (especially summer rain), but today I think I realized for the first time as I saw the sun break through and defeat winters grip how much I love the sun! I was reminded of the Narnia symbolism of the White Witch keeping it always winter and Aslan bringing with him sweet spring. What joy must they have felt. To see green. To see life. To hear songs, and smell sweet breezes. To dance in fields and roll in grass. Feel the cool wet earth between your toes and tingling on bare skin. I don't know what it is but I crave the sun like a morning glory bursts at its touch. It touches the depth of my heart and releases such emotion I cannot help but feel free! Complete in a way, like I need not one more thing to be whole. I almost cannot put it into words and I am grasping for them even now. <Kinda makes me feel like this:) (click me!)> It makes me so thankful for the day when Jesus returns and all will radiant because of His glory and the beauty that will unfold from that light.

Dream...

My favorite song...

A fighting dream

But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for.”- Paulo Coelho

How this is so very true. I feel like half the time I don't know what Im fighting for. Im fighting for a dream, but what is my dream? I have them yes, but I feel like I have this shotgun approach to them. Im not whole heatedly there pursuing all my dreams. Perhaps because I am so spread out with all of them I don't know. All I know is Im not living my dream. I feel like so many things hold me down, but then I just feel selfish and ungrateful for all that I have. I know I have dream...sometimes though I think they are a figment of my imagination and I am just like every other person who had dreams but gave up because they never happen. I don't know I guess we will see.