So this week was quite interesting. My heart has just been devastated with being here. I am in such a new environment. Every aspect of me is being challenged to pursue excellence. I feel like I am kinda having withdrawals. Im so used to my life being the same thing over and over and over and over again. Now, none of what i do is the same.
I have realized this past week how much of my life is given over to the idol of food. When im sad, I eat. When I am happy, I eat. When I am any other emotion I eat!! I do not take these feelings to the Lord. How sad is that? Here I am on my knees crying out to Him for change and I don't even allow Him to the opportunity to know every part of me. The good, sad, and evil.
Sometimes, I feel as though I live in a day dream. I want to be on an epic adventure like Lord of the Rings or Narnia. I can at times feel a sword in my hand. I think I forget that those things are a carbon copy of the reality we actually live in. We are in a time of war, and the weapons are not physical. We fight on our knees. We fight with our worship. I am a warrior of worship! I realize some people may think I am unwise for not pursuing something of more "value" such as school or a better career, but would that profit me in the end? Nothing. I will have wasted my life pursuing myself instead of thinking of eternity. We have maybe 70 years to pour out and store up as much as we can in heaven until we pass. That's all the time we get and it determines our forever.
If I just understood my role. If i just knew with confidence who I truly was, everything would change. How much more effective would I be if I knew how the Lord saw me in His kingdom? I need to seek the Lord out on this. I don't think I believe how He sees me. I see myself as worthless, not good for anything, and a screw up. I reek with false humility. When will my day come? I just want to see Him. To really know who I am and what He was thinking when He made me.
I need to let the Lord make me new. I have been resisting change. Resisting His attempt to make me a new person. I am comfortable. I don't want to change. I know I need it though. Im just going along knowing I need to change but am not doing anything to make it happen. Gah! Flesh!
*My prayers for this week are continued healing for my foot. It is doing better but is not fully healed.
*A satisfied heart fully in Jesus.
*Peace.
Thank you all. More to come.:)
So I know I am a bit behind in this comment, But I so get this!
ReplyDeleteMy heart is aching and there is only one solution and that is Jesus!
My prayers are with you, I know what you are going through this year and I am so excited. It constantly kicks and pulls emotionally, physically and spiritually... but it's so worth it. Keep breaking down those walls and strongholds girl! You are not alone in the deep places ;)